I realize I haven't made a blogpost in over a month! I hate to have been so negligent, but I honestly just haven't felt the need to write anything. After a fairly lonely summer (or at least until the tail end of it), one full of endless contemplation and thinking, it has been nice to not worry about the universe so seriously, or so intensely for awhile.
But in the meantime, there have been many things I've been thinking about as I continue to grow and learn through God's wonderful guidance. Please allow me to share them with you here.
1.) Know that you know nothing, no one else knows anything either, and all of that's alright.
The first thing I learned this summer was pretty simple. Despite my copious factual knowledge of all sorts of odds and ends regarding occultism, Christianity, and philosophy, I know absolutely nothing definitively about the universe. At first, this was truly terrifying for me. I'm the type of person who likes to feel they have the answers to puzzles and problems, and to finally be convinced of my own inadequacy in this regard was really troubling for me. But then it seemed to just pass, and now I'm perfectly ok with it. If anything, I feel more excited to pursue more experiences in life, because I also think this moment in my life taught me to rely more on my own experiences. The hackneyed statement that "experience is the greatest teacher" has a lot of truth in it.
This summer I also began working for the Church, and it got out that I read tarot. Unfortunately, some closed-minded individuals were greatly displeased with this information, and confronted me about it, and eventually left the organization I run. Needless to say, I was pretty distressed by this. Was my ability to read tarot "evil?" or "sinful?" I had to conclude that it wasn't, since it hasn't brought me much of anything other than a simple happiness, and a much stronger faith in God. If anything, it has humbled me more than exalted me, showing and reminding me constantly of my own inabilities and failings, and demonstrating the far superior guidance of God, which even though I trust, I can never seem to obey. In short, I am wretched. But I trust that I am where I should be, and that these are all tests for me. I trust that whatever miseries I create for myself shall be converted into even greater goods by the Lord (or whatever name you wish to give Him/Her).
Through this humility, I have been taught quite sternly and fairly the reality of the above statement: "I know nothing." But if I know nothing, then it is just as likely that no one else knows anything either. And so I came to see that we can only really know about who we are, and how we fit into the universe - that is our sublime ability. But, on the other hand, knowledge of the Universe as a whole is often kept from us, and we must trust that that is what's best for us. We must be content with the knowledge we garner from our own experiences of the universe, for this alone may bring about great happiness.
2.) Fear less, trust more.
Along the same lines, I believe now so firmly alongside Julian of Norwich that we must place all our trust in God, for when we fear, we are more apt to commit faults against other men and women. The man who feels secure has no need to attack others, but the man who feels unfounded develops fear, and this is the root of most evil. For it is true that humans are animals, and we are therefore an aggressive species at times. Certainly there are times when it is best to be aggressive, but not because we feel affronted by our peers. Competition is a necessary aspect of the universe, and it ensures growth, change, and evolution. This is how the universe may attain even greater perfections - this is the wonder of the world. That that which is already so wonderful can become even more wonderful over the ages. True, change is a fluctuation, and it is better to conceptualize development more as a spiral than a line... And as usual, I digress. The point is this: we must believe and have faith that God is constantly with us, observing our trials, our actions, and our thoughts, and He holds all of them in the palm of His hand. There is nothing outside of God's power, and it is best to thank Him for all the constant work He does and support He gives us.
With less fear, we can begin to experience and learn more, and thereby shed our ignorance bit by bit. "Question, O man!" Discover for yourself your own nature, your own truths through your experiences. Accept that all experiences are valid, that none is superior to another, for each experience is the creation of a new reality. Through each moment, God creates anew, and we are witness to it. My friends, as I write this, I cannot help but feel slightly overwhelmed by the magnitude of that statement, and again, I am humbled once more and thankful to the point of tears. There is so much to be thankful for, through good and ill, and we must trust that this is so, even though from our perspectives things may seem entirely bleak at a given moment. But remember that "My ways are not your ways, my thoughts are not your thoughts." Do not be afraid to learn more about life, for our Creator also bears a great zeal for existence, and a deep love for His creations. He does not bar us from participating in any experience, and we must know that the idea of sin is much more specific than was once believed. Sin is personal, and is based on our own recurring trials - for truly life is composed of a spiral of trials and tests that are meant to bring us to even greater glory. Only through trust in the Lord may we triumph over these. Please believe me, for everything in my life has only told me that this is true, and I feel it to be true so strongly within myself that I can do nothing other than speak it aloud.
3.) Do not fear death or loss.
It is only natural to fear these things, but we must again trust that they are not as relevant as we may think them to be. Fear of these things comes from too much focus on the mundane, or from objectifying people. On a personal level, we must remember that the important things of our life are contained safely in our memories, and have left an indelible mark upon our world schema. Through the memory, a being is able to preserve their experiences, and is thus able to grow perpetually through them. Likewise, the same experience may be revisited throughout one's life in order to be observed from different perspectives. Sometimes we do not have the correct tools with which to experience something fairly, and so we have an improper emotional reaction to it. In a simple example, we often think that when people are rude to us it is our fault entirely, or that the individual is just a bad person socially. But later we may come to discover that that person was having tremendous financial difficulty at home, or that one of his loved ones was ill, or even something much more basic - they hadn't eaten and were hungry, so they were quick to snap at others. Obviously there are many possibilities and I'm sure you get the point. But it's easy for us to forget this in the moment, and it is good to keep in mind while experiencing anything of note, that we will most likely not be able to adequately analyze that moment until much later in life. This is how we grow and become more profound individuals - we gain wisdom this way, and more moderate temperament. Thus, fear not for the loss of an experience materially. Instead, trust that if it was truly important to your development as a being, it would remain in your memory, and that it would leave a mark on your identity in some fashion. For instance, attending a class on early music in college has undoubtedly left its mark on me. As much as I miss that class and long for that moment in my life, I know that I am perpetually preserving that experience simply by pursuing other interests in early music. Thus, that moment or experience has not really "died," nor have I lost it.
And as far as literal death is concerned, we must first remember that it is natural, and will happen eventually. We are lucky to be natural beings, but the price of that is subjectivity to death. But I personally believe we must trust that death is not the end of anything, but merely a transmutation of our current energies and identity into something different, so that we may continue to experience. Nature teaches us that death is rarely finite, though of course, this is one of those things that I have learned to just think about less. I can't tell you what happens after death. I can just suggest that it doesn't help to worry about it.
4.) Respect yourself before trying to respect others.
It is impossible to sincerely give charity to others until you give charity to yourself. Firstly, accept that you are flawed, but simultaneously accept that you are learning. Allow yourself to learn and make mistakes, and to try new things. Know yourself well, and know what your needs and capabilities are. Confront the dark parts of yourself fearlessly by treating them impartially. This is not possible immediately, but comes with time. That is the beauty of the memory - we may revisit trauma and the details associated with it endlessly until they all hurt us less. But we must first choose to confront them in the first place, as a solitary soldier may take on many. The courageous will fight until they have emerged victor, but the weak will only give in and be trampled. Courage takes faith, and faith must be in God. Know that strength is available to you, but you must decide to look for it, and you must choose to wield it justly against your enemies. Look for these enemies not outside yourself but within, for indeed they lay in wait very near to you, ready to ambush you at any given opportunity. Therefore, be vigilant and wary - protect yourself with the armor of your experience, intellect, and faith and you will surely survive. The devil is not in your friends, but is in you.
Along these same lines, the idea of a "devil" is confusing. We must not believe that there is a being so turned against God that he desires to confuse and mislead all of God's creations. This is foolishness, for anything that may call itself a being has its existence through God. Thus, the idea of the devil really speaks of that-which-does-not-exist. And since God is all-pervasive and the only reality, there is no such thing as a Satan or devil, unless that figure is an aspect of God. There is so much scorn for this figure because we see only the bad things that this figure causes for us, but in doing so we fail to see that it is not an external enemy that is causing the grievances, but rather an internal one we have created ourselves, willingly or unwillingly. These become trials for us, and we learn and become stronger through them. We find faith through them. And so this is how we may come to laugh at "the devil" and how we may see "him" as "good," and how we must accept that his actions are for our improvement and come from the will of God. For truly no other agenda may exist, and no other being may exist. There is only God and the will of God.
Benedicite Domine!
